Everlasting Joy

Still, the two truths weren't complete opposites. The one and the other both had some same elements. I could turn to the other side, and end up smiling. I could turn to the other side, and continue smiling. Perhaps this time, when I finally had less time for the pains of my life, I was a nicer person in some parts. Obviously those who disagreed with my philosophy, thought of me as a total idiot. And of course, those that disagreed with me, didn't find me all that nice. I was speaking gently, and I could help others smile, but at the same time, with some people, I stopped asking and started demanding.

I would not and could not mind. I was happy. For the first time in my life, I was truly happy. I had smiled before - rarely though - but never before did it last all night into the morning. This time I felt happy day and night, instead of just for a passing five minutes. And I knew I could keep this joy going on too. I didn't have to stop it, I wouldn't have to cry anymore no matter what happened around me. And of course, a lot happened, many reasons to cry, be desperate, jump off a tall building or fall on a kitchen knife. I didn't do any of those though.

Even worse things happened, ones strong enough to drive me beyond my usual insanity. I spoke with nobody some days, I turned away when people faced me. I wanted to be myself alone. I ended up having to face my reasons. If there was truly reason enough to end everything, why was I still walking. And why did I still smile? I started walking a long path, in the cold. And not just metaphorically - I took my bike, rode off far enough so I didn't know the roads I came across, jumped off the bike and walked with it.

And of course, as a philosophical story of sorts, this one needs to have more cliche points. When I walked, I was filled with anger and pain. But I didn't take the energy and use it to throw heavy objects, I didn't use it to run or scream. I walked gently, and thought. I noticed myself thinking matters I thought were beyond my perception. At that point, it seemed very obvious to me that the simplest way to figure out my pain was to figure out the meaning of life and death. And so I did, all in less than an hour. The pain was gone, and I felt a bit tired. I felt like living in the real world again, at least long enough to grab a burger.

The next days I scared friends and family members trying to speak about what I found. It didn't take me long to realize it couldn't be put into words and I should not try. Before realizing that though, many became concerned. Let them be concerned I thought, and was very cold and direct in telling them that. I don't regret that - no matter how painful or deadly my thoughts might seem. I was very sure I was speaking my truth, and no lies. I long ago made it a point not to regret being honest.

The reason we live
Is to see the next day
To see a new light

The reason we die
Is to surrender to today
And let tomorrow take over

The reason we live
Is about today
And not of tomorrow

The reason we die
Is to move ahead
And never stop

Life is a circle
It has a start point
And an ending

Death is nothingness
No light
No darkness

Life is about itself
About learning it
Before we die

Death is about itself
About facing it
Before it comes

My life is not yours
Nor is my death
Nor is the time between

My life works for me
In my ways
For my purpose

My life can lie
Speak visions of others
As my own ones

My life can speak truth
Speak thoughts of mine
Disguised as noise

My life speaks now truth
As life is my preparation
For the death that starts it

It seems my writing now takes a turn into quick and unplanned poetry. The above need not speak of anything, the above can be forgotten. And it may have nothing to do with me. Just words, my dear readers. Treat them as such.