Creation

A mind is not healthy if not thinking. And a thinking mind is not in a healthy body, if nothing is happening. Many speculated - with good cause - about my well being, especially on the mental side, but at least I was doing something. Creation is a big word, but then, my mind was drawing up an image of perfection, no less. I wanted to design my original character for random role playing events online and for ...fun. Yes, I wanted to create a character that was the most beautiful one to my eyes, I wanted one I could play with forever if he was real. I wanted someone like me, but nothing like me. I was selfish, I wanted someone for myself.

I had found Cloud to drool on, and that was a beautiful thing. I had found other ones like him. Long time later, through randomness, through just a sudden feeling, I would one day find Satoshi. One reason for that was knowing that there was no reason for me to love anyone real at the moment too much. For a change, I was actually afraid someone else would face the fate of the first one. Of course I had nothing to do with it, but it still hurt. Satoshi wasn't real, and I wasn't looking, but I found. He's not real at all, but then, someone unreal was just what I really wanted. Satoshi was different, I couldn't figure him easily, I could try everything and it all went forward nicely in the end. How pitiful must one be to have so beautiful dreams of someone so unreal. But wet dreams weren't what this thought was about. At least not them alone.

I wanted Kyuu. I put together all the visions of cuteness. Yes, something as shallow as cuteness. I wanted someone who was me, but also, someone that wasn't me. I needed to figure that out, I needed a history for him, I needed to know all of it. It had to be complex as hell, something that I could barely write down. At this time, I actually still haven't finished. I've got half a hundred pages of writing, but it's still missing too much. Perhaps it was a cute coincidence that it happened to be a very complex friend of mine from the time that gave me the idea of the name. I don't know what happened to her either... I thought I could be helpful by being a friend, but I ended up hurting too much myself. Maybe she's doing well nowadays. I think she is.

The thought that I could perhaps create a female character crossed my mind as well. But I wanted a person I could know very well, and unfortunately, I never could understood any member of the opposite sex well enough. And when I thought I did, disasters happened. I needed a vision of happiness, so my choice became even more clear. This creation would be a guy.

And what of looks? Only much, much later, I realized that the fictional character Link awoke my love for many things. I can still see his pointy beautiful ears, and his smile, so well hidden. I thought of him as only a character in a comic book back in the 80's, but later he came a living legend in my mind - how beautiful he is in my memories. I wanted to borrow the vision he shared with me back then, and his beautiful elven ears were part of Kyuu quickly. Of course, other beauties borrowed some elements as well. Thanks to Cloud, Kyuu would look good in blue. And many things came randomly, and so he became quite tall, with a smile so well hidden.

So I combined cute visions, complex stories and a fitting name into the book of my character. Then I flipped the first page and he fell down into my arms. A week after that I wiped the sweat off my face. I guess a smile was hiding there for both of us, and with good cause. I let Kyuu out to wander on his own and looked from the side. He was handsome and in some ways like me, but not really like me. More than once, I thought maybe he was what I could be. Hah - even I laughed at myself. He was much better than me. I was glad of it too, he would be a reason for me to better myself.

So there the creation of my mind stood. Tall, beautiful, smart, strong. Weak too, of course. A complete cliche? I think not, there was more, but as I've already noted, it's not easy to write down. He could keep me warm, and I slowly started to know what other things the word love was about.

Not too bad, eh? All from a madman's imagination. No...now I'm giving myself too much credit. Anyone can fantasize.